Fools Day, My Day

I am a fool, and always have been.

And now I am a fool who's given up her child to some hospital 50 minutes away. I don't think admitting him was foolish, mind you. No, no, that's just reserved for me.

What's worse? I am too depressed to talk about what a fool I am.

*** Update *** After 8pm

I was foolish enough to think that my going to see him tonight would be a necessary thing for him.

I was foolish enough to think I could talk him into visiting for a few minutes.

I was foolish enough to think this wouldn't shake me to the core.

I was also foolish enough to be lulled into the original diagnosis of severe anxiety.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world, afraid he was strung out waiting for me. I really thought he'd be so happy to see me.

Where's my baby? The one that I had 8.5 years ago? The one who was still my little stick-tight, loving boy just a year ago? Just months ago even? Where did he go?

I've been on the go all day long, preparing the things he needed tonight, getting his brother to and from school. I even crabbed at a clerk this afternoon because I was tense and anxious about getting to him this evening.

When I finally arrived and dragged his stuff and his brothers in, he said hello, smiled, looked at what I brought with me, said hello to his brothers and then promptly said goodbye. He wanted to go to the gym with the others even though he'd been there once already.

I tried to get him to stay but he just tried to manipulate me, then punish me by pulling away and having a tantrum. I was shocked he was tantruming so easily in front of everyone. I am SO scared he's picking up the "this is acceptable" vibe from the other kids.

He's never been free to just freak out in public. But then again, he feels safe there, and he feels normal. It's stressful to see the other kids freaking out I guess, but safe and normal is where he'll let loose the most. I can only just wonder and guess.

He's driven by what you might call his id. Whatever he wants, that's all that's on his mind. Pleasure. I don't equal pleasure, no matter what I do - I know this. I understand this. I give him the space he needs and the support and love when it's convenient for him and he feels he can accept it. But I wasn't prepared for tonight.

The Doctor believes he does what he does because he's afraid I'm going to die and she felt he may have severe anxiety and OCD.

I think she's very wrong and I think he's trying to tell us what he thinks we want and what will get him where he wants to go. I think those are comorbid symptoms, but there's something deeper.

But in a glimmer of hope, it's just a matter of time before she gets it right, I think. I have faith, I think.

And on that note, I will end this and go off to bed.
- posted by Ginxy @ 4/01/2004 11:06:00 AM